The Wisdom of Knowing Your Whys

I remember the moment I was being coached by a wonderful coach friend about a goal I was frustrated with. I lamented “why had I stopped making progress? Why couldn’t I just do it like I said I would?” She asked: “Do you like your whys?”

That stopped me in my tracks. Did I like my whys? Actually… did I even know what my whys were? Nope, not really. WHY had I chosen this goal in the first place? WHY did I really want to do it? Did I actually want to do it? What was motivating me? What were my whys… and did I like them? It was all unclear to me.

I suspect we’ve all been in this position. We set a goal, and initially, there’s some oomph behind it. But after a bit, that energy wears off, and we’re left with zero motivation. From that low place, we double down on the “uggg” by shaming ourselves with nasty self-talk like “what’s wrong with me?” and “I never finish my goals.”

This often happens because we’re trying to motivate ourselves with reasons that aren’t in alignment with our true selves. Rather than pulling from our actual desires and interests, we let external sources call the shots. Taking our cues from external sources is a cultural norm; everywhere we turn there are messages saying we should lose weight… get organized… be happy… work out… and on and on. When we base our goals on those kinds of whys - the ones that come from outside us - our goals don’t have staying power because they’re not our own.

Finding your whys

When we set goals with clear whys - and we genuinely like those whys - it’s a totally different experience. Here’s how to explore your whys, weed out external influences, and end with a list of whys that are crystal clear and true to you. 

I’ll weave in my own example of a goal “exercise consistently” to demonstrate this technique. Like many, I struggled with exercise goals for years. Getting clear on my true whys of exercise was key in turning my struggle around. 

Start with curiosity

Get into wonder-mode and ask a lot of questions about your goal. Come from a place of curiosity, and just see what happens. In my case, I asked myself a bunch of questions about exercise, like: 

• Do I want to exercise?

• Why do I want to exercise? 

• What do I like about exercise? 

• What does exercise give me? 

• What’s meaningful about exercise? 

• When I don’t exercise, what do I miss about it? 

Keep asking questions, and jot down anything & everything that comes to mind. This is the first draft of your Why List for your goal.

This first draft will probably contain external shoulds - totally normal. Our next step is to weed out those unhelpful reasons - the ones implanted in us by culture. 

Listen to your body

This next phase of pinpointing the external whys can be challenging. When our goals and motivations have long been fed to us by outer voices, turning things around can feel awkward, at best. Luckily, you already have the best tool for this job: your body. Your body? If that sounds a bit wacky, try this: 

Scan your body as you tell yourself “I have to do taxes all weekend or I’ll miss the deadline”. What sensations do you notice in your body as you imagine this scenario? Now do another body scan as you think “I get to spend the weekend in _____ (favorite place) doing fun/relaxing things with ____ (favorite people).” How do you feel this round? Notice the contrast? Your body is great at distinguishing between what you genuinely want, and what you don’t.

Grab the first draft of your Why List, and call the first item to mind: think about it, imagine it. Pay attention to your body - what sensations are coming up? Are they in a particular place? How would you describe them? Sit with the sensations for a bit as you continue thinking about this “potential why”.

Now ask yourself what your body is telling you: do the resulting sensations feel like “yes or no”, or perhaps “confirmation or disconfirmation”, or “free or not-free?” The “no’s” come off the list.

Repeat this with each item on your list, staying curious about how it feels in your body. You may find that sometimes you get a big sensation, and, other times, it’s more subtle. If you’re not sure what your body is saying, just leave the item on the list for now, you can reassess later. 

The evolution of my Why List

Here are a few highlights from the process of creating a Why List for my exercise goal:

One item on my first draft was “to spend time outside”. How does my body feel when I imagine being outdoors? I get warm, positive, pleasantly buzzy sensations - mostly in my belly. Does that feel like confirmation? Like a yes? It sure does! It stays on the list. 

Another item that was initially on my list was “to get a cardio workout.” When I “try on” that thought and pay attention to my physical sensations, I notice a little tightness in my chest; I feel sort of scrunched up. That does not feel like confirmation - it feels like a no. Important point: even though getting a cardio workout may be a logical reason to exercise, it doesn’t resonate with my body as a helpful why. Since it’s not genuinely motivating for me, it comes off my list.  

I ended up removing a lot of items from my first draft. Here are some other items that registered as “no” in my body: “my doctor said I should”, “to balance out the food I eat”, “I want to be like my co-worker who runs daily”, “so those pants will fit”, “I want to be toned”, “humans should move”, and “to lose weight.” None of those felt good, true to me, or motivating - my list feels so much better without them.

Meanwhile, a lot of items remained on my list - the whys that truly resonate with me. Each of these things registers as “yes!” in my body. Being clear about my genuine motivation for exercise has been a key piece in changing my relationship with it; it has led to my now solid exercise habit.

My Why List for exercise is long, and continues to grow and evolve. Here are a few items on it now: “I love getting fresh air & sunlight”, “I have more energy throughout the day”, “I get to say hi to neighbors (and their dogs)”, “I feel stronger”, “I get awe-portunities”, “it decreases anxiety”, “I get inspired to take pictures”, “I have fewer aches & pains”, and “it gives me quiet, meditative time.” I love my list: it’s motivating, it’s joyful, and it feels like me.

Your list of genuine whys

Now back to your list. Once you’ve assessed each item on your own list, read through the whole thing. If an item feels a little “off”, try removing it and see how your list feels without it. Maintain a curious, trial & error mindset as you go through this process; expect your list to evolve.

In the end, you’ll have a list of your whys. This is your actual, genuine motivation for your goal. How does it feel now? Does it feel like you?

Return to your original goal - how does it match up with your new Why List? The goal may need some tweaking, or it could be entirely irrelevant now. If so - awesome, what amazing clarity! How could you re-work or replace the goal with something that is in alignment with your whys? You get to make this goal your very own.

Setting goals from a place of alignment, from a place of knowing what you genuinely want, is so different than the cultural norm of external shoulds. When you come to goals as yourself, with clarity and genuine motivation, making progress is not only easier, but it’s also more joyful and fulfilling. 

Name a goal that you’ve lost motivation with - do you like your whys?

The “Listen to your body” process is adapted from Martha Beck’s “body compass” exercise, which she writes about in her book “Finding Your Own North Star.” It’s a wonderful tool that I often teach clients.

I’m still accepting clients in my New Year’s Explorations program, where we explore goals, whys… and much more. Book a free Introductory Session with me to find out if it’s a good fit for you.