“I Have Too Much Stuff” - The Prequel

How many ways does stuff come into your home?

We can’t talk caring for our homes without addressing STUFF. As in things, belongings, items, possessions… stuff. “I have too much stuff” is a familiar cry and the root of not only frustration… but loads of shame. 

I’d like to offer a way of looking at the stuff in your home that can lessen the overwhelm and shame. Without shame fogging your vision, you may find more clarity and ease around your relationship with your things. 

This isn’t a “how to declutter” guide, in fact, we’re not even going to talk about how to get stuff out of your home. Instead, we’re going to wonder about how the stuff gets there in the first place. Put on your curiosity cap, and let’s see what happens when you go through the following steps. This is a reflection exercise; it would go great with a cup of tea and a journal.

1. First, consider that you can treat your stuff as neutral. The things in your home aren’t good or bad - they’re morally neutral. Similarly, accumulating and owning stuff is neither wrong nor right. It’s just stuff. It’s just there. Finding neutrality around this - when you have been in shame about it for a long time - can be challenging. It’s OK if you can’t find neutrality yet; just being open to the possibility is awesome. 

2. Continue this curious approach as you think about all the ways that stuff gets into your home. I’m going to refer to these ways as “sources.” Get out a pen and paper and make a list - how many sources can you come up with? I came up with nearly 20 sources, everything from grocery shopping to buy/sell/trade groups to well-intentioned gifts to multiplying plants.

3. Time for a big ol’ self-compassion party. You may be feeling a tad overwhelmed as you envision this deluge streaming into your home. Take some easy breaths as you continue wondering about your stuff with neutrality. Tell yourself something like “Of course, there’s a lot of stuff in my home! Look at the bazillion ways it gets here!” 

4. As you continue taking easy breaths, pay attention to what’s happening in your body. Do you feel tension or discomfort anywhere? Do you notice any particular sensations? Take note of how you feel at this point.

5. Now ask yourself this question: “What if I don’t change anything?”
   Continue observing what’s going on in your body as you let this question move through you. How does your body respond? Consider not changing anything about each source on your list - how do your feelings change with each one? Just stay curious and notice.

6. Make a note of where you had strong feelings - where not changing anything was especially uncomfortable. If you consider, say, not changing anything about the small mountain of thrift finds your mother-in-law contributes to your home weekly, how does that feel? Similarly, where does not changing anything feel neutral… or even great? What sources do you clearly want to stay the same?
   You will likely have a mixture of reactions, and some of them may surprise you. Just keep noticing without judgment. You’re gathering data.       

7. Turn your attention to the things that registered as A-OK about not changing anything. How do you feel about them? If you feel any shame or judgment, ask yourself “How can I give myself permission to accept these sources and release the blech that accompanies them?“
   An example: You’re overwhelmed by the piles of papers that the kids bring home from school, and you’ve been blaming yourself for letting them accumulate. Once you identify the source of these piles as neutral, you recognize that this season of life simply involves a steady onslaught of school papers, through no fault of your own. Can you release self-judgment about this source of stuff in your home?
   Thinking about each “no change needed” source, how can you move them into acceptance?

8. Now turn your attention to the sources that felt a bit panicky when you considered not changing anything. Choose one source to work on - something that you know, deep in your bones, that you do want to change. Ask yourself this question: “What small shift can I make here?” You don’t have to change it all at once, just identify a small step.
   An example: you’re overwhelmed by the amount of junk mail you receive, and don’t know what to do about it. You ask “What small shift can I make here?” and identify the step of taking 10 minutes to research junk mail reduction. Keep the steps as small as you need them to be - every little bit counts. 

9. Some “want to change” sources will be more challenging than others. Some will involve other people - like gifts (I’ve talked about the gift quandary before) and hand-me-downs. When relationships and stuff intermingle, compassion - for yourself and the other person - is vital. Make the shifts as small as they need to be as you keep moving forward. Recognize your progress!
   When the idea of change feels mind-bogglingly difficult, ask this question: “What support do I need?” How could you tap a friend, family member, or expert who has knowledge, skills, or just a desire to help you? If, for example, you want to slow down your Buy Nothing group habit, but can’t imagine doing that on your own, could you ask a friend to be your accountability buddy as you wean yourself off checking the group hourly for freebies?  

10. Sometimes, stuff accumulation and the accompanying shame run really deep. Habitual shopping and collecting, for example, can be ways of seeking comfort or avoiding discomfort. It’s easy to fall into a cycle of telling yourself you should shop less… then shopping anyway… then shaming yourself for it. Self-compassion is so important, as you identify these behaviors and acknowledge that they are trying to help you in some way. Again, ask yourself “What support do I need here?” Having the support of a trained professional, like a therapist, could be a wonderful way forward in such situations.

To summarize:

1. Get in curiosity mode, and consider that the accumulation of stuff is neutral.

2. Make a list of all the sources of the stuff in your home.

3. Ask “What if I don’t change anything?”

4. Center self-compassion and curiosity as you notice how you feel about not changing each of the sources.

5. Consider the things that were fine with not changing, and ask yourself “How could I give myself permission to accept these sources and release the self-judgment that accompanies them?”

6. Choose one source that you want to change, and ask “What small shift can I make?”

7. When making a change feels challenging, ask “What support do I need?”

The name of the game is releasing shame. With shame out of the way, we can take an objective look at how so much stuff ends up in our homes. Feeding that data to our bodies, we can use our intuition to show us where we’re yearning for change, and where we’re okey-dokey as is. Finding acceptance for those A-OK areas allows us to turn our energy to areas where we truly desire change. Then we can continue making the progress we yearn for, one little step at a time. The clarity and momentum we achieve, once we’re out of shame’s grasp, can propel us forward as we cultivate the home - and life - we desire.

How many “sources” of stuff did you come up with?

Self-compassion, curiosity, and a great life coach can help you make the change you yearn for. Sign up for an Introductory Session (free!) with me, so we can chat about the changes you want.