Holiday Perfectionism
It’s so easy to get caught up in holiday perfectionism, especially as we feel that we’re doing things last minute and under pressure to finish.
Can you tell when your inner perfectionist is trying to run the show?
It might sound like:
“I should have bought the neighbors a gift!”
“Why didn’t I put up more decorations?”
“My house will never be clean enough for company.”
“I’ll be so embarrassed if Christmas dinner doesn’t turn out well.”
“Kids! Stop leaving your messes where guests can see!”
Holiday perfectionism may feel like: irritability, anger, fear, anxiety, dissatisfaction, stress, and overwhelm.
It can show up as: freezing, yelling, Tasmanian-devil-ing your way through preparations, procrastinating, shutting down, or working yourself to exhaustion.
That doesn’t sound perfect at all.
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism, contrary to some belief, doesn’t mean that you are a perfect being who naturally does everything perfectly (that is a mythical creature.) Perfectionism is the pressure of believing that if you’re not doing everything perfectly, then you’re doing it all wrong. Perfection can tell you that you ARE wrong, as in there’s something fundamentally wrong with you if you don’t achieve perfection. It can come from comparing ourselves to others or just trying to meet our own self-imposed rules. Perfectionism can also be directed outwards when we impose our impossibly high standards on others.
Take note: having high standards, executing well, making things look “just so”, having an interest in self-improvement, having an eye to continuous growth, and being ambitious… none of these things is bad on their own. Where it can turn sour is in the motivation; where’s the perfectionism coming from?
Take this example: “I love the process of decorating, and seeing my twinkly home all season brings me loads of joy” is very different from “I’d better buy some lights and decorations so we don’t look like a bunch of scrooges compared to the neighbors.”
Another example: “I’m cleaning my house so we have a festive, comfortable place to enjoy holiday dinner with our relatives.” sounds (and feels) a lot different from “Kids!! What are you doing? Pick that mess up right now, family is coming!”
Perfect Exploration
What can you do about it? If you’d like to unravel the overwhelm of holiday perfectionism, try these steps:
Identify the emotion: “I’m feeling irritable.”
Explore the circumstances that led to the feeling: “I’m feeling irritable because the kids keep making messes and I’m working so hard to get the house ready before our family comes over for Christmas dinner.”
Get curious about why those circumstances led to that feeling: “I really want the house to be spotless when guests come.”
Keep digging! Ask yourself “What am I making it mean?”: “If my house is a mess when they arrive, I’m afraid they’re going to judge me.”
Fill in the blank: “My perfectionism is telling me that _________” In this example, perhaps it’s “My perfectionism is telling me that I will be judged a failure if my house is anything but spotless.”
Ask how perfectionism is trying to help you: “Perfectionism is trying to keep me from being judged by others.” How is that helpful? “If they judge me, that could mean they don’t like me. Maybe they’ll talk about me or ostracize me. Perfectionism is trying to help me by preventing me from being an outcast.”
So behind those feelings of irritability is a profound fear of being rejected by your people. No wonder you were snapping at the kids!
Pile on the compassion
Once you’ve uncovered the motivation behind your perfectionism, the next stop is self-compassion. It could be easy to go into “what’s wrong with you?”, or “that doesn’t make sense, snap out of it!” mode. But when you offer love and understanding to the piece of you that is, in this example, really scared of losing community, you open the door to working through the fear that has been wreaking havoc in the background. And once you’re beyond that, what are the possibilities?
Keep Exploring
Here are some more questions to explore what the holidays could be like without the overwhelming presence of perfectionism:
What if, when I see the kids making a mess, I simply clean it up without a second thought… or ask them to pick it up when they’re done… or even feel grateful that family is about to show up because Aunt Becky can help them clean up!
What if I could go about my holiday preparations without irritability? How would that look?
If I wasn’t waylaid by perfectionism, how would this look?
Where do I want my focus to be, rather than perfectionism?
What genuinely matters to me about this family dinner… or gift giving… or my decorations… or the holidays in general?
Holiday perfectionism is so common. If you’re experiencing it, give yourself a high five for noticing, then offer yourself loads of compassion for being a human. Consider exploring it a bit further with the steps above to learn more about what’s motivating your perfectionism.
Trying to achieve perfect holidays is a great recipe for overwhelm. Giving yourself permission to have imperfect, human, wacky, warm, fun holidays is a wonderful gift to give yourself.
p.s. The 6 steps above are a good, if simplified, example of the type of conversation that happens during a life coaching session with me. If you’d like a compassionate partner to work through perfectionism with, let’s chat! I do free discovery calls so we can find out if my coaching is a good fit for you.
Important note: As always, I want to emphasize that I am a life coach, not a therapist. Exploring perfectionism through a life coach lens can yield powerful, even life-changing results. However, it's important to note that perfectionism is sometimes rooted in issues that extend beyond the realm of life coaching and may warrant the guidance of a wonderful therapist or other mental health professional.