Setting Goals: Perfectionism & Puppies
Hey, fellow perfectionists! Let’s talk about how wacky goal setting can get when we’re prone to “all or nothing”, perfectionistic thinking. What do puppies and housetraining have to do with this? Well… let’s get into it.
When Goal Setting Feels Terrible
Some of us (*raises hand*) have years and years of experience with “if I can’t do it perfectly, why bother doing it at all?” under our belt. We tell ourselves that anything less than the absolute best is failure. We’re afraid to try new things because they probably won’t turn out well enough… or we might look bad. We’re unlikely to challenge ourselves, because… what if we’re not able to meet our own expectations? We reflexively think that we’re better off staying in our old, familiar lane than taking a risk. Trying to set goals from a perfectionistic place feels awful, and perhaps, impossible.
If you identify with this… are you low-key berating yourself right about now? If so, you’re an excellent perfectionist! I kid… but do know that examining our perfectionism can feel really crummy. If we’re not careful, our brains will turn awareness of our own perfectionistic tendencies into further evidence that we’re “doing it all wrong.” A vicious cycle!
Instead, we can be extra kind to ourselves. There’s likely a really frightened part of our brain that has gotten stuck in this all-or-nothing thinking because it’s just trying so hard to keep us safe. Taking a curious, compassionate approach as we explore our perfectionism is key.
Enter the Puppy
I find it helpful to personify the part of my brain that tends toward perfectionism: mine is an energetic puppy. This pup is adorable, snuggly, and fun… and she is NOT yet housetrained. I love this little cutie, I tend to her well, and I have to keep an eye out for telltale signs that she’s about to squat on the carpet. My brain is also adorable, snuggly, and fun; I love her, tend to her, and I have to keep an eye out for telltale signs that her perfectionistic part is about to take charge.
When it comes to goal setting, our perfectionism can go into overdrive while trying to take charge. How can you tell when that cute little brain-pup is about to pee in the house? It may look something like…
You simply don’t set any goal that you think you can’t accomplish 110%.
You set super ambitious goals, knowing in the back of your mind that you’ll abandon them the second you smell failure.
You struggle to come up with practical goals - none of your ideas seem like something that would work in your day-to-day life.
You begin the new year full of enthusiasm and wonderful ideas but don’t end up setting any actual goals.
You remember feeling terrible the last time you set XYZ goal, so you obviously won’t attempt that again.
You never set goals - none at all - because you can’t bear facing evidence that “you can’t do anything right.”
If any of those sound familiar, please stop reading for a second, and give yourself a big hug. That perfection-oriented area of your self has been trying so hard to do everything right so it can keep you safe. Offering that piece of yourself a hug may sound strange, but, like a puppy, your brain thrives on caring attention.
Housetraining: A Journey
When you notice such tendencies while trying to set goals, how could you call attention to them in a really kind way? It’s like spying that sweet puppy, about to let loose on the rug, and saying “Oops! I see you, cute pup, about to pee on the rug,” but it’s ”I see you, wonderful brain, thinking those old, familiar, perfectionistic thoughts”. Now pick her up tenderly and move her outside to do her business. “Out ya go, pup, good job!”, AKA “Thanks for trying to keep me safe, brain, but I’m going to try a different approach. You’re excused; I’ve got this.”
Learning to approach goals without perfectionist thinking, like housetraining that beloved puppy, may take some trial and error. Using a light, loving approach and a sense of humor make it a more pleasant … and more effective experience as you learn which tactics your brain/puppy prefers. When creating goals, try working in some intentional imperfectionism, such as…
“I’m going to try _________.”
Make exploration the point of the goal.
Set a goal with the purpose of learning about something.
Work curiosity into the goal.
Create a goal to start something (finishing is irrelevant.)
Reduce a huge, ambitious goal to a teeny tiny version of itself.
Set vague intentions that feel as genuine as they feel wishy-washy.
“I’m going to be really bad at ________.”
“My goal is to do 60% of ________.”
“I will do that daily program 3 times per week.”
Be direct: “My goal is not perfection.”
Be literal: “My intentionally imperfect goal is…”
Is that puppy lifting her leg on the sofa right about now? Is your brain going nuts with thoughts like: “but that’s not a S.M.A.R.T. goal!”, “why would I intentionally be bad at something?”, “but like Yoda said ‘do or do not, there is not try’!”, or “aren’t I supposed to challenge myself?”
Give that puppy a little kiss on the top of her head as you gently whisk her back outside. Tell that perfectionistic - and probably scared - part of your brain something like “I know, trying new things is hard! I assure you that doing something half-assed is better than doing nothing at all. Thanks, but you’re excused. I’ve got this.”
Keep Doing What You’re Doing
Expect to do this over, and over again. Housetraining your perfectionism will take practice; anticipate pushback from your brain-pup as you explore intentionally imperfect goals. It’s worth the effort - that puppy is adorable, funny, warm, cuddly, and loves you so much. And that perfectionistic nugget of your brain is amazing, brilliant, loving, and just trying so hard to keep you safe. The doggy will learn to pee outside soon enough, and your brain-puppy will carve new neural pathways, ones that don’t rely on you being impeccable-at-all-times in order to feel secure. Progress is underway; just keep doing what you’re doing.
As you create goals and intentions for the new year, hold that rambunctious, darling, growing puppy in your mind. Love on yourself, just like you’d love on that puppy with loads of encouragement, cuddles, and compassionate consistency.
As a recovering perfectionist myself, perfectionism is a topic near and dear to my heart. I love working with clients to support them in recognizing where perfectionism is getting in their way, and discovering how they can move beyond it. I’m currently enrolling clients in my New Year’s Explorations program, where we can dive into setting goals without perfectionism.